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PET-RELATED HUMOR

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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY (Submitted by Claire)

• 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
• 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
• 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
• 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
• 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
• 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
• 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
• 1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
• 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
• 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
• 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

• DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
  while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
• DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair.. must try this on their bed.
• DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
• DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
• DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies" Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
• DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time......

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A DOG PERSON WHEN...

• You have a kiddy wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
• The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
• You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
• Your dog sleeps with you.
• You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
• You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
• You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
• You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
• Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter drug.
• Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
• You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).
• You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
• You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
• You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk.
• You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
• Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike.
• You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
• You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.
• You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
• You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
• You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
• You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
• Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!
• You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on your dog to give a quick run through on your own hair.
• You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.
• You have several albums filled with the 8 by 10 pictures of your dogs but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to send to grandma.
• You have six squeaky hedgehogs ... but only 1 with a squeaky that works.--Author unknown, but clearly a dog person!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CAT PERSON WHEN....

• you refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litter box."
• you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
• you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
• you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
• you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle.
• you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor.
• your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats."
• you have a set of towels with "His" "Hers" and "Kitty's."
• you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.
• your spouse says, "Me or the cat!" and there's no hesitation on your part with your answer.
• you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the litter box.
• you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
• you meow so well, you confuse the cats.
• you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore...at length.

DOG RULES (Submitted by Don)

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided the dog house can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the lawn sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and the we’ll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, abut if he snores, hes got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you’re now sleeping.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as a “primary resident” even if it’s true.

TOP 11 REASONS TO ADOPT A DOG INSTEAD OF A CAT

• Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you.
• Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
• Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
• Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
• Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
• Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a 3-hour nap.
• Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
• Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
• Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
• Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
• Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

DOG QUOTATIONS

• If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."--Unknown
• Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery story with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!--Anne Tyler
• You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.--Nora Ephron
• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.--Ann Landers
• Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!--Dr. Tom Cat
• Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the way of his tail.
• I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.--John Steinbeck

DOGS LIVE HERE

• If you don't want to be greeted with paws and swinging tails, don't come inside--because dogs live here...
• If loose hair that doesn't match your clothing or furniture bothers you, don't come inside--because dogs live here ...
• If you don't like the feel of a cold nose or a wet tongue, don't come inside--because dogs live here...
• If you don't want to step over many scattered toys, don't come inside--because dogs live here....
• But if you don't mind all of this... you will be instantly loved when you come inside-- because dogs live here.--Author unknown

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A Prayer for Animals

Hear our humble prayer, O God, for
our friends the animals, especially for
animals who are suffering; for any that are
hunted or lost or destroyed or frightened
or hungry; for all that must be put to death.
We entreat for them all Thy mercy and pity
and for those who deal with them we ask
a heart of compassion and gentle hands and
kindly words. Make us, ourselves, to be true
friends to animals and so to share the
blessings of the merciful. -Albert Schweitzer

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